I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
