If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
