I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
