before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
