I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
