You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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