I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
