I met the friendliest cop last night
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
whose parrot is this?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
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