May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
