Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
