Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
