Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
