My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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