how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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