i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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