Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
