bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
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