We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
