we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
