True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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