I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
