Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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