Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
