My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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