Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You did what with his pubic hair?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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