he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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