o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
