Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
