Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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