i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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