paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
