Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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