Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
