yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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