I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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