dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
