I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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