Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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