mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
you had me at cake vodka
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
