The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
whose parrot is this?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
