I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
