You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
