the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
