We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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