I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
