dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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