Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
