you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
