Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
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Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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