So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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