Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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