I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
