i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
