the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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