sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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