he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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